Yesterday, there was an incident at work which made me very uncomfortable, and very hurt. My jumper, which had been cleaned, had residue smell on it, which when worn in the unusually warm (for mid October) nursery, made it smell quite pungent. Instead of informing me of the situation, my first in line manager decided to gossip about me behind my back (the only bit I heard was "Shhh. She's right behind you."), and make cruel jokes which was not meant to be understood by me.

I had just been talking to my brother the night before via MSN.

Raging Pistachio: I've been there two years already, they all hate me,
MunkaySteve: Do they? Or does it just appear that they hate you? (Devil's advocate)
Raging Pistachio: Well, it appears to me that they all hate me
Raging Pistachio: And why should I have to stay in a place where I am made to feel inadequate and disliked?
Raging Pistachio: And it's not like I've only suddenly felt this.
Raging Pistachio: I've felt like they've been itching for me to leave practically since I got here
MunkaySteve: Have you brought any of this up with them? Is there any particular thing you do or say that seems to get them going? I'm not saying that it isn't there, it's just that I often feel that my boss is a bit pissed, but it's normally only that he's thinking, or has a headache or something.
Raging Pistachio: I'm afraid of what they'll say.
Raging Pistachio: I'm afraid they'll say I'm awful at my job, that I'm incompetant, and that they'll make it harder on me than it is already
MunkaySteve: Have you spoken with your line manager. If you feel like that, there should be some kind of ability to approach them to discuss it?
Raging Pistachio: Well, my immediate manager at the moment isn't very approachable. She's the main one that's been making me feel like this
MunkaySteve: Next step up?
Raging Pistachio: yeah, she's more approachable...
Raging Pistachio: but I'm still reluctant
MunkaySteve: Well, I'd get in there and talk to her if I were you. If this is a misunderstanding, then you need to know that. If it is a problem for real, it needs to be sorted. They are adults, so it should be dealt with responsibly as such.

He went on to say later that talking behind my back was not only unprofessional, but also bullying. When the incident happened yesterday, I did feel bullied, and I had just about made up my mind by the time I left for home that I would talk to my manager (second up) about it, even though it's not something I usually do. I am very good at keeping my feelings bottled up, especially at work. Which probably makes them think that nothing gets to me, but it does, and yesterday, my immediate manager crossed that line. I was walking home fuming.

How dare she act like that to me? How DARE SHE??? Who the hell gave her the right to treat me like shit, like an animal with no feelings? I may not be qualified, but I still deserve the respect she gives to everyone else that works here. I have the right to be able to come into work without being afraid that I'm going to be bullied and gossiped about when they think I'm not around or out of earshot.

Anyway, I spoke to the second manager up this morning... and like a baby I cried in front of her, but she was very supportive, and even told me that she thought I was a very valuable member of the team, and that she wasn't the only one who had that opinion, and that two of my colleagues had said to her what a good job I was doing, but even though she said that, I am still doubtful about it. She told me I was right to talk to her, and that what immediate manager had done was completely unacceptable and unprofessional.

I was still a bit upset when our conversation ended, and needed a few minutes to compose myself, so she said I should go and have a cup of tea in the staffroom and come down when I was ready. There were a few ladies in the staffroom, including mother of immediate manager, who were very kind and showed concern and said I was welcome to go and find them. I was sitting there, a few tears involuntarily coming out of my cheeks. I started feeling a bit unwell then, and went down to the toilet before I headed back to work. Had a small case of the runs. Eventually made my way back. A couple of people expressed concern about my non appearance first thing, but not immediate manager. She really doesn't give a shit about me. Can't wait til the new year.