I don't know where to begin today. I feel exhausted, depressed, tired, angry, annoyed, disappointed...

I've not been back at work for two weeks yet, and I already feel as out of place as a fairy at a teddy bear's picnic. OK OK, strange comparison. At least two times I've heard them speaking in hushed tones about me behind my back. Today I committed the CRIME OF THE CENTURY and forgot to ask someone if they wanted a lunch from the canteen, and I was made to feel SO bad about it. And I did feel bad about it, but for them to then bitch about it behind my back... ARGHHH! I felt like shouting "I CAN HEAR YOU!!!" and I almost did, but stopped myself somehow.

I've got so much work to do for my qualification that I'm not sure I even want to anymore. The more time I spend, the more I think "Is it really worth it?" And if I'm going to start my own business one day, it does make me wonder if it is. I just hate letting people down. But it seems that it's all I do these days. I feel like I can't do anything right, I can't knuckle down, I just want to scream, run away, or something!!!

I was thinking... when the perfect time to hand my resignation in would be at the end of March/beginning of April, then I could have a month left at work, and there would be a whole week where I could plan the wedding. There'd be no guilty feelings about taking a week off for half of honeymoon.... I so want to do it. I feel like making sure it's gonna happen. I've been here for nearly two years now (2 years in about a month), and I feel like I need a change of scenery, a change of lifestyle, a change!

I was thinking before at how much I'd like to remain in my job until I'm married, but I've come to the conclusion that it wouldn't make my day any more special. Thinking back to my 21st, they all went about it in such a slapdash way, it was like they could NOT care less. It was like, well, we're obliged to do something, so it we'll mention it briefly, and do the fake birthday cake thing, and get someone to give her her present. It was literally sing happy birthday, here's your present and then "OK, let's go, we need to get in." The year previous was someone else's 21st, and they had balloons out the front (so all the parents knew), a party lunch thing, as well as a huge thing in the morning and afternoon as well. It was just such an anti-climax, I felt so unappreciated.

In fact, that just about sums up how I feel every day at work. I'm invisible, except when I've made a mistake. Then it's like everyone's eyes are on me. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to be somewhere where I'm appreciated and liked. I wish I could sink down into the ground and die sometimes. The sooner March comes around the better. I'm going to do it. I'm going to hand in my resignation in 5 and a half months. I'm going to leave in 6 and a half months. I'm going to get married in 7 months. I'm going to finally be happy then. I would quit now if I could, but we need the money. It's time to move on. And I will, I will. I will.