I was thinking lately, the furthur I plan for my wedding, the furthur into the future I go. I still think about what happened almost four years ago now. I don't do it as often as I have done, and I certainly can go months on end without thinking about it. I can't believe how far removed I now feel from what happened back in 2000. It's a relief, definitely. I know that I was wrong, but also that I couldn't help myself in some way, and also that this will be with me for the rest of my life. But in knowing that, I also know that with time, I will completely forgive myself.

I saw a picture of that man the other day, and I was staring at it, wondering what it was I felt about him. A few years ago, I would look at his photo, and feelings of pleasure and warmth, excitement and sensuality would wash over me. When I saw his photo the other day, I was staring at it, thinking "I can't believe I ever"... A few years ago, reliving memories of my time with him would excite me and leave me longing for more. Now, it's hard to articulate my feelings, but I can say it definitely leaves me very uneasy.

The more I spend time with Jonathan, the more I realise that sex is so much more than attraction, and just "wanting to do it". Sex to me is about love, passion, intimacy (which is more than just getting naked), connection... There is one time that I regard as the best sex I've ever had, and it was very much the most intimate sex we've ever had, the most connected we've ever been... It's definitely not all about excitement. I'm definitely more excited about our future together...