I was talking with Avleen last night. Avleen is the one who saved my life last year, and he was also the one I flirted with occasionally. We were talking about unfaithfulness.

[Widescreen] I was unfaithful once, not to Jonathan, and not again.
[Av] i understand
[Av] :-)
[Av] and i respect it
[Widescreen] Gavan was the unlucky person
[Av] doh
[Widescreen] that time on icq... it was the night after I was unfaithful the first time
[Widescreen] it kinda depressed me a lot.
[Av] :-( i dont want you to go through that again
[Widescreen] i'm ok now though.
[Widescreen] that's why I know I'm not going to do it again, because I'm ok, I've got better
[Av] now... dont want you to go back to that again!
[Av] yeah
[Widescreen] I won't. I'm just glad you were there for me. I don't know how far I would have gone...
[Av] i'm glad i could be there honey

The time on icq was the time I was asking Avleen how many Ibuprofen it would take to kill a person. It seems odd to me now why I would ask him such a thing, but I knew that 60 (the amount I had) would almost certainly do it. Maybe it was a cry for help, a cry for care and attention. He was telling me that 10 would do it, and it would be a long and painful death, and after a few hours, the doctors wouldn't be able to save the victim. He sounded so calm and precise, it didn't seem like he knew I was talking about me. He did, because he phoned Gavan.

I don't know if I ever really wanted to die or not. I guess I just wanted to know that people cared about me, because it felt like they didn't.

It's really scary what depression can do to you. It makes you think you're worthless while everyone around you thinks you're priceless. Knowing that people think you're priceless makes you angry, because you think they're only pretending to care, and if they're not, you pity them because you think you're not worth the clothes you're wearing, the education you're getting, the money you're earning... It makes you feel guilty for taking up other people's time. It makes you angry beyond belief sometimes, especially when people start to worry about you (because of course, they're only pretending to care and worry, they're just trying to interfere in your life). You stop talking to everyone you used to, and bottle everything inside. Everyone seems to start snapping at you for no reason, so you snap back, and they get confused why. You can't concentrate on the things you ought to anymore, and become frustrated that you can't do it. I know I wasn't the only one to feel like that. I know that there are many people in the world that feel like that.

I'm doing a section on my website about depression. It affected me in all those ways, and it changed my life. I'm better now, but there are so many people who aren't. If you've been depressed, or are depressed (or have depressive moods) and are reading this, please send me an e-mail with your story. If you think you're depressed, I'll e-mail you back when I've got stuff on my site, and maybe it will help you. I can't promise it'll make you better instantly, but it may help you in some way. I look forward to hearing from you.

Nicola